The Things We Ask From Love
By Shiaw Mei Mei
Major Joseph Williams, M.D., USMC, was intrigued. Actually, he had been intrigued for about three months now. That’s how long it had been since he found out about the Stargate Program and Stargate Command. He had gotten this position due to his success of the treatment of psychological turmoil in POW’s and survivors of war and terrorism. Major Williams didn’t start out life wanting to be a psychiatrist; he hadn’t even started out wanting to be a doctor. Through the strange twists and turns that life threw at him, that’s where he ended up.
Now he was looking at a real tough case, Colonel Jack O’Neill and Major Samantha Carter. Their files sat on his desk accusingly. How the hell did one deal with alien abduction and torture? Much less the incident described in Dr. Frasier’s report. The Colonel had come way too close to killing his subordinate to put her out of her pain. If it hadn’t been for the intervention of the
“And I actually agreed to this job?” he said accusingly to the files on his desk. A knock at his door interrupted his musings. “Come in,” he yelled as he closed the two files and tucked them into a drawer.
----------
Colonel O’Neill and Major Carter entered the room. They had an air of reluctance about them that was unmistakable. Major Williams rose from his seat. “Major, Colonel, I am Major Joseph Williams.” He extended his hand to the Colonel first, military protocol overriding chivalry.
Colonel O’Neill reached out and shook the younger man’s hand. He was very different from what Jack expected from a psychiatrist. He was a tall athletic looking black man, late 30’s to early 40’s, dressed in BDU’s. McKenzie always managed to look like a shrink. This guy looked like a soldier. “Major,” Jack said as he released the man’s hand.
Major Williams extended his hand to Major Carter and she shook it as well. Williams liked the way she shook hands, very self confident, no hesitation. It boded well for their first meeting. O’Neill looked suspicious, as if someone were trying to pull a fast one on him. His file had said that he had an intense dislike of psychiatrists in general and McKenzie in particular.
“Please, Colonel, Major, be seated.” Williams indicated several comfortable chairs as he seated himself in one of them. Jack and Sam sat down, both looking uneasy. “Okay, we all know the reason that you two are here. I’ve read the report that Dr. Frasier sent about the mission to P3X-882. She included the information that she received from Kaveh and from General Carter and his Tok’ra, Selmac.” Williams shivered slightly thinking about the retired General’s unusual situation.
Jack laughed when he saw the shiver run through Major Williams. “Yeah, Carter’s dad has that same effect on me.”
Major Williams looked at Sam, slightly embarrassed. “Major Carter, forgive me. I have only known about the SGC for three months now. I am still trying to acclimate myself to the unusual things that have been going on around here. No offense to your father or to Selmac.”
“None taken, Major,” Sam laughed. “My father had that effect on people before he became host to Selmac. It’s doubly so now!”
“Okay, this Major, Major, Colonel, stuff is going to get out of control! Why don’t you both call me Joe? It’s much easier that way. Ranks only get in the way of the process anyway.”
Jack and Sam both smiled and nodded their agreement.
“Okay, let’s get back to the purpose of this meeting! First, I want both of you to know a little bit about me. I get to read the details of your records and you are supposed to just come in here and accept me without any idea of who I am. I don’t think that helps the trust that needs to be shared in counseling of this kind.”
Joe saw Jack nod slightly in approval as he continued. “I am a soldier first, a doctor second and a shrink last. I joined ROTC in college to get my school paid for. I did well enough that the military agreed to pay for my medical school in exchange for many, many years of commitment!” Joe laughed thinking about the length of his service agreement. “As it turns out I love being a Marine more than anything, so it worked out well. Part of my training agreement was to serve summers working in military hospitals. Since I wasn’t fully trained as a doctor I was relegated mostly to nurses’ aid type functions. In that time, I came to know quite a few soldiers that had survived capture and imprisonment. I also came to realize that I didn’t necessarily agree with their psychological treatment.” Joe hesitated while he took a sip of coffee. He stared at the coffee for a second and looked up guiltily.
“I think I forgot my manners, would you like anything to drink?”
Jack laughed lightly. “Sure, Joe, coffee would be great, black, no sugar.” In spite of his distrust of shrinks, he had to like this man. He didn’t try to act as if he was the perfect all knowing shrink like McKenzie did.
“I’ll take the same, thank you,” Sam said. She could tell that Jack was more relaxed than she thought he would be. Sam didn’t have the same distrust of psychiatry that he did, but Joe was like night and day to McKenzie.
Joe handed them their coffee as he continued, “Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, I didn’t agree with the treatment because they didn’t get past the surface. Most soldiers feel the need to hide emotions such as fear, despair, grief, because they are ‘good soldiers’. We all know that there is no one who is truly unafraid in battle. You just do what you have to do in spite of the fear. That’s how heroes are made.” Joe took a sip of coffee while he tried to watch their expressions. Yeah, they knew exactly what he meant. He could read that much from their expressions. He could also see the hesitation return to Jack’s face that was there when he first arrived.
“As I came to realize this I decided that I wanted to specialize in psychiatry so I could try to do it differently. After reading through some of the mission briefings from the SGC, I realized that this is exactly the place that needs my unusual approach. Of course, the situation that you found yourselves in puts an even stranger twist on the treatment.” Joe took another sip of coffee. “First, you are both on down time until further notice, at my discretion. I have spoken with General Hammond and he agrees. Second, remember that anything that happens in here is between the three of us. None of the details of your sessions or treatment will become part of your military files. The only entry to your permanent record will be whether or not you are fit for duty.”
Joe looked closely at both of them. They needed to understand this completely. He would never be able to get them to do what he wanted if they thought that it would be part of their permanent record. “Is that part completely understood?”
Sam nodded but Jack looked skeptical. “What if you are ordered to release that information? By, say, the president.”
“I won’t and even he can’t make me. Military doctors are protected the same as civilian ones. They have the right of patient-doctor confidentiality. Once your treatment concludes I will destroy the more controversial information. Only the final recommendation will remain. Your personal demons will remain personal.”
Jack nodded, relaxing slightly.
Joe continued, “Do either of you have any questions?”
“How long?” Jack said curtly.
“How long what?”
“How long will this take?”
“Well, Jack, that is completely up to the two of you. If your treatment progresses quickly, weeks, a month, maybe, if not, then it could take a few months.”
It was obvious that Jack didn’t like either answer but had no choice in the matter. Obviously if he didn’t cooperate, this could take a while. “Okay, when do we start?”
“Well, as I mentioned earlier, I am not one to take a conventional approach to unconventional issues. The first thing that I want from both of you is a detailed mission report.” Joe raised his hand to silence the objection that Jack was obviously about to make. “Jack, I read the mission report. There’s not much there to work with. I want both of you to write down everything that happened, and I mean everything, thoughts, feelings, and actions. These reports will be part of what is destroyed at the end of your treatment.”
Joe handed them copies of the official mission report and their individual reports. “Start with these and fill in the blanks. Your only other option is to sit in here and tell me about it. I’ve found that it is too hard and takes too long that way.”
Jack and Sam reached for the papers that Joe was handing them. “How long do we have to finish these?” Sam asked.
“Well, I know it’s going to be difficult but the sooner I get these back, the sooner we can get started. So let’s say, uh, a week?”
Sam bit her lip and nodded. The idea of reliving this in detail was going to be painful. She had been trying to forget the whole thing. She glanced at Jack. His face revealed nothing. She recognized that look. He wasn’t happy about their ‘assignment’ either.
“Oh, and one more thing, I want you to write them together.” Both of them started to object. Joe held up a hand to silence them. “Not work on them together, just in the same place, one of your houses or one of your offices. Although I think, it would be best to do this off base. You would have fewer distractions.”
Jack refused to be silenced, “Major, I don’t think that that is a good idea considering our ranks and positions and the, uh, situation that we find ourselves in.”
“Major is it? Okay, Colonel, I disagree. I am inclined to treat this situation, as you call it, as a type of couples counseling.” Jack’s mouth dropped open and Sam blushed. “Your feelings toward each other were outlined in Dr. Frasier’s report. General Hammond is aware of the situation and concurs with my assessment. Of course the General will deny any knowledge of it.” Joe laughed at the memory of General Hammond standing in this office trying to get the point across to him without actually talking about it. “However, it is not necessarily due to your potentially romantic feelings toward each other. I have used this method in the past with team members that have strong feelings of friendship. It worked. It can work again.”
“How the hell did the General find out about it?” Jack was visibly upset. Sam could get in trouble for this. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her.
“Calm down, Colonel.” Joe’s surprisingly forceful voice cut through Jack’s thoughts. “General Hammond saw you in the infirmary sleeping in the same bed with Major Carter the night she first regained consciousness. He managed to sneak past Dr. Frasier, as did your father, Major.”
They both looked shocked.
“Dad never said a word to me!” Sam said incredulously.
“Yeah, and I am still alive!” Jack said to her.
“Well, Dr. Frasier convinced them that it was the only way to calm Sam down. Evidently she ran the General out of sickbay in fear of what little hair he has left!” Joe laughed at the thought of the petite doctor facing down General Hammond. “And I will deny I said that hair comment!”
Jack and Sam both laughed at that.
“The point is, Jack, Sam, the General has eyes. He realized a long time ago that you two were closer emotionally than you should be but since it has never affected the team or operations, he chose to turn a blind eye. However, if we can’t get you past this incident, he will have no choice but to transfer one of you. The emotional repercussions of your incarceration could be too much for you to be able to continue working together in field situations.”
Jack caught Sam’s eye. She very slightly inclined her head. He understood. They had to do this. They had no choice. They would end up too over protective of each other if they didn’t and that would affect operations. It could get someone hurt, or worse. Joe watched their silent communication, amazed. They could read each other in such minute detail. He figured that after nearly seven years of working side by side, and at least half that with a strong emotional bond, had created the ability. They both looked at Joe now and nodded.
“Sweet!” was Joe’s only reply. Jack and Sam started laughing. “What? Did I say something funny?” They just shook their heads and tried to control their laughing. Joe felt like he was the butt of a private joke. Oh, well, this session at least was ending on a high note.
“So, I want you both off base within the hour. Do not stop, do not pass go! Decide whose house you are going to meet at and get started on your homework.” Joe stood as he spoke. Jack and Sam rose with him, clutching their papers, and each shook his hand before they left.
For quite awhile, Joe sat at his desk thinking about the two officers. He hoped that he could get them back to where they needed to be, if only any of them knew where that was.
----------
Jack and Sam walked in silence back to Sam’s lab. They had no idea what to say to each other. Things had been that way since Sam was able to leave the infirmary two days ago. Things had been so different while she was stuck there. Janet released Jack the day she had regained consciousness, but she had to stay two more days. Jack visited her several times a day while she was there. They hadn’t talked much then either even though they knew they needed to. The suffering they had endured at the hands of Angra Mainyu was more than just physical. The emotional consequences were devastating. They had finally admitted to each other, and themselves, the feelings that they had kept bottled up for so many years. Now they couldn’t decide whether to try to put the genie back in bottle or move forward.
Joe was definitely not what they had expected. Jack and Sam were both relieved to find out that they wouldn’t be subjected to McKenzie’s over the glasses stare. Neither one of them felt they could trust McKenzie. Joe, on the other hand, seemed like a straightforward, trustworthy kind of guy.
Jack shut the door to Sam’s lab after they entered. “Well, what now?” he said as he leaned back against the door. Sam’s face was unreadable.
“We don’t have much choice now, do we, sir?” she said, her face inscrutable.
“Okay, no choice, so where do we go?” he refrained from the cliché of ‘your place or mine’. Even Jack could see that humor didn’t fit in well at the moment.
Sam looked thoughtful for a moment before she picked up the phone and asked the base operator for Major Williams’ office. Jack started to say something but she held up her hand and shook her head. “Joe, it’s Sam Carter. Do we have to stay in
“What was that all about? We hadn’t really discussed anything yet. Where do you want to go?”
“Minnesota, Jack.”
----------
Jack couldn’t believe it. He and Sam were on the way to his cabin in
Sam met him at his place with her bags packed and now they were driving east along I-80 through
Jack saw the signs for the
“What’s up?” Sam murmured sleepily.
“Rest stop, we need to find somewhere to stay.”
Sam sat up straighter and stretched. “Where are we?” she said looking around through blinking eyes.
“
Jack pulled his truck onto the main road and headed for a Comfort Inn just up the road. “I’ll get us a couple of rooms and we can get an early start in the morning.”
“Why waste money on two rooms? Just get one with two beds. It won’t be any different from sleeping in the same tent off world, just more comfortable.”
Jack tried not to look startled. Yeah, right, it was no different, being in a hotel with no chaperones and being off world with Daniel and Teal’c! “It’s not a problem, I can get two rooms.”
“Don’t worry about it, sir. We can share a room and behave like adults.” Sam grinned in the dark as she looked out the passenger side window. ‘He is really nervous about this. What does he think I’m going to do to him?’ Of course, she knew what she wanted to do to him, with him. That was one of the reasons that she chose his cabin. She didn’t plan on ‘doing’ anything. She just wanted to be away from everyone so that no matter what happened, it stayed between them.
“Okay, Carter,” he said as he parked the truck in front of the hotel and jumped out. “Be right back!”
----------
Sam sat watching him walk into the lobby. She could see him at the desk talking to the desk clerk, his back to her. Could she behave in a hotel room with Jack? It was serious temptation. And she had insisted on the sleeping arrangements. Would he take it the wrong way? Would he take the initiative? ‘Nah, he would never start something. I’m going to have to be the one to start it, if we start anything.’ She sat watching him fill out the paperwork; he was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans with hiking boots. The shirt wasn’t tight but she could see the play of his muscles as he pushed the paperwork toward the clerk and stretched.
She should have taken a turn at driving. He had to be exhausted. He probably wouldn’t have let her. Sam watched him tug his t-shirt back down after completing his bone cracking stretch. She could always offer him a back rub as compensation for his doing all the driving. Sam smiled at the thought of rubbing his tight muscles, probing her fingers into his bare back, feeling the tension give way. Sam could almost feel his bare flesh under her hands. She was so lost in her little fantasy that she didn’t notice him return to the truck.
----------
Jack paused as he approached the truck. Sam seemed lost in thought, but the look on her face was almost sensuous. What was she thinking? He watched as she parted her lips slightly and ran her tongue over her top lip before biting her lower lip. Jack felt a tingling in his groin just watching her. ‘Oh, don’t go there!’ he thought as he started toward the truck again.
----------
Sam noticed Jack as he passed in front of the truck, headed for the driver’s side. She quickly schooled her expression and tried to put the thoughts she was having out of her head! How had the idea of a simple back massage become so erotic that it caused her to become aroused?
----------
Jack opened the door and climbed in, hoping that Sam couldn’t see that he had the beginnings of an erection from just watching her. “Got a room, two beds. We’ll get some sleep and get out early. I asked for a 0600 wake up. We can get on the road by seven and grab some breakfast on the way.” He was rambling, he knew, she knew it. ‘Oh, hell, it’s late and I’m tired, let her chalk it up to that!’
Jack pulled the truck up in front of their room. Sam climbed out and pulled her duffle from the back. They were only going to be gone a few days. She packed light. Jack opened the room up and looked around. Nice, clean. It’ll do.
“Dibs on the shower first,” Sam said as she walked in behind him. “I’ll be quick and I’ll even leave you a little hot water!” She tossed her duffle on the bed furthest from the door and rummaged though it looking for something to sleep in. Finding the shorts and t-shirt she brought for that purpose, she grabbed her toiletries kit and headed for the shower, thinking ‘Yeah, I’ll leave him plenty of hot water since I need a cold shower!’
‘I should tell her not to worry about the hot water, my shower will be cold!’ Jack thought as he pulled his night things out of his duffel. He lay back on the bed, his feet still on the floor, listening to the shower running. Sam was in there. Sam was behind that door naked and in the shower. ‘Jack, stop it!’ he told himself, ‘that kind of thinking is going to make things much worse!’
Jack’s partial erection had proceeded to become a full one and it was getting more painful as his thoughts kept wandering into the shower. He wanted to be able to wander in there with them. ‘Not fair, my thoughts get to have all the fun! Great, let’s add schizophrenic to my list of psychological problems!’ When he heard the shower shut off, Jack sat up and busied himself with the TV. He held his nightclothes in his lap to try to cover the now impossible to hide bulge. He deliberately tried not to look in the direction of the bathroom.
----------
“All yours now,” Sam said as she walked over to her bed, drying her short blonde hair with a towel. “There’s even hot water.” She smiled as he grabbed his shaving kit and headed for the bathroom. He tried to smile back but it was a weak one.
‘Okay, what’s the matter with him,’ she thought. ‘Maybe sharing a room is too much. I just really don’t want to be alone.’ Sam had not been completely alone since their rescue. At first, she was in the infirmary and then Janet had insisted that she stay on base for a few days before trying to stay at home. Every time Sam thought about being alone, she would remember the nights when Jack was gone, taken to Angra Mainyu and she was alone in their cell. Well, alone with her despair and fear that she would never see him again.
Sam felt tears coming to her eyes as she remembered what had happened. She had asked him to kill her. She could have handled the pain but she couldn’t go back in there with what Angra Mainyu had promised to do to her. The pain was bad enough. It felt like you had second and third degree burns all over your body but there were no marks. Nothing would relieve the pain and even contact with the floor hurt, much less contact with another person. Angra Mainyu had promised her plenty of contact when he felt the time was right.
Sam tried to hold back the tears as she tossed her duffle into the floor between her bed and the wall. ‘Stop thinking about it!’ she felt like yelling. Joe was going to force her to go over everything in detail, even the things that Jack didn’t know about. How could she let him know those things that Angra Mainyu had done to her, had said he would do to her? She couldn’t even think about them. She kept blocking them whenever they threatened to surface. She crawled under the covers and turned her face to the wall. She didn’t want Jack to know she was upset. Sympathy would send her into a hysterical fit. She tried to control her breathing to let him think that she was already asleep. Sam heard the water cease and closed her eyes.
----------
Jack stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth. He wore only a towel around his waist. The cold shower had helped but there were still an unmistakable sign of his attraction to his 2IC. Of course, the shorts he slept in were baggier than the towel wrapped around his waist. He figured he could get to his bed without her noticing. He rinsed his mouth out and reached for a hand towel to dry his face.
Jack paused with the towel still at his mouth. He examined his reflection critically. He was nearly 52 years old. Not in bad shape for a man his age. His muscles were still tight. He had so many scars on his body he had lost count. He had his share of wrinkles, mostly in his face. Years of wind and weather doesn’t do much for your complexion. There was no sign of the brown that his hair used to be. His hair was silver. ‘Okay, gray,’ he thought. Even his chest hair was mostly gray. Jack pulled the towel from his waist to finish drying off. ‘Hell, even my damned pubic hair is mostly gray!’ he sighed.
What would a young vivacious woman like Sam even see in him? She was at least 14 years his junior. His personality was downright cranky and she was bubbly. Although he wasn’t as dense as most people thought he was, she was a damned genius. He was just impatient to get to the crux of things. He didn’t need to know the details, just the pertinent facts. Hell, you don’t make Colonel without an education. He had a B.S. and even most of the credits he needed for a master’s degree. Of course, he had threatened
Jack sighed as he pulled on his shorts. ‘Well,’ he thought dryly, ‘at least that little bit of introspection managed to take the last bit of edge off my problem.’ He pulled his t-shirt on and opened the door to the darkened room. Sam had left the light on near his bed. He quietly moved over to his bed and put his duffel on the floor before climbing in. Jack laid there listening to Sam’s breathing. It was steady but it sounded forced. He didn’t think she was asleep; she just wanted him to think that she was. ‘Well, if that’s what she wants, that’s what she gets,’ he thought as he settled down to do the same thing. He didn’t remember when he actually fell asleep.
----------
Jack woke with a start. Sam was crying, sobbing. He flew out of the bed, practically falling onto her bed in the darkness. “Sam, baby, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, just a dream, please, Jack,” her words gasped between sobs, “just go away. I’ll be alright!”
He flipped the bedside light on. “I’m not going anywhere, Sam,” he said softly as he pulled her close to him. She was covered in sweat, her clothes were soaked, even the bed was wet. She must have had an extremely bad nightmare! He had awakened the same way many times before.
“No, not yet!” she sobbed. “I can’t just yet!”
“Okay, baby, take it easy. I’m here, we’re here, and you’re safe.” He held her close, rubbing her back to soothe her.
Sam’s sobbing softened into quiet crying and finally ceased. She held onto Jack as if he was a lifeboat in rough seas. He was her lifeboat. She didn’t know what she would do without him. The guilt of what she had put him through stabbed at her heart. He had his lips against her damp hair still rocking her softly.
“Sam, you need to change clothes. You’ll get chilled in those.”
Sam nodded but didn’t make any effort to move. Jack squeezed her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “Come on, now, Sam. You go wash your face and change clothes. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you get back.” His hand gently grasped her chin as he lifted her head up to look in her eyes. “I will always be here for you, you know that don’t you?”
Sam smiled slightly and nodded. She raised her head up until her face was close to his. “Yeah, I know,” she said softly as she lightly brushed his lips with hers. She stood up, walked over to her duffle for more clothes, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Jack sighed. That’s why she didn’t want two rooms. ‘She hasn’t been left completely alone since we were rescued.’ He guessed that she must have thought the presence of another person would keep her nightmares away. He got up from her bed. Well, this bed was pretty much out of the question. Jack turned to his bed and straightened the covers.
----------
Sam looked at herself in the mirror. ‘What a sight,’ she thought as she surveyed the damage. Her hair was a disaster. It was soaked and stuck up in a dozen different directions. Her blue eyes looked bluer with all the red where white should be. Her eyes were puffy, almost swollen shut. Sam hadn’t cried like that since her mother died. She felt a lump in her throat. She missed her mother so much. She was older now than her mother was when she died. Thirty-eight and what did she have to show for it? An impossible relationship with her CO, a father she never saw and that was possessed by an alien snake, a shaky relationship with her brother, no life outside the SGC, only work gave her purpose to her life. ‘Well, just washing my face won’t help,’ she thought as she looked at her wet clothes plastered to her skin. Her whole body felt sticky from the sweat.
----------
Jack heard the shower in the bathroom. ‘Good idea, Sam,’ he mused, ‘that should help you calm down some more.’ Feeling the chill in the room, Jack crawled under the covers on his bed. He left the side closest to the bathroom for Sam. This was going to be difficult but she couldn’t sleep in that bed and besides, she would probably sleep better with him close. He glanced at the clock. It was almost 0300. Their wake up call was in three hours. ‘Well, I can at least fix that,’ he thought as he reached for the phone.
“Front desk, how can I help you?” answered a sleepy voice.
“Hi, this is room 116. I’d like to change our wake up call from 6:00 to 8:00, please.”
“Sure thing, Mr. O’Neill, anything else you need tonight?”
“No, thank you, good night,” Jack said as Sam opened the door to the bathroom.
“Who were you talking to?” she asked, her expression guarded.
“The desk clerk. I changed our wake up call to 0800. It’s after three now and we could use a little extra sleep.”
“Oh, okay,” Sam had been afraid he had called Janet or even Major Williams. She hadn’t been ready for Jack to know how badly she was handling this, much less anyone else.
“Come here,” Jack said softly as she headed for her bed, “you can’t sleep over there. It’s soaked. You can sleep over here.”
Sam closed her eyes as she hesitated. She wanted that more than anything! She wanted him to keep the nightmares at bay! But could she trust herself to sleep so close to him?
Jack sat up as he saw her hesitation. “Sam, look, I know what you are going through. I just want to help you. You can trust me.”
Sam knew what he meant. She could trust him not to try anything. However, trusting him wasn’t what worried her. She knew he would never initiate anything. He didn’t have as much to risk as she did and he would never do anything to risk her career or reputation. It was herself she didn’t trust. She wanted him so badly. She needed him. She needed to feel his kisses, his hands, his body! She needed him to erase the memories. Sam drew a deep ragged breath as she watched realization blossom across his face.
‘Shit, Jack, you idiot, it’s not you she doesn’t trust! She doesn’t trust herself!’ his thoughts must have shown on his face. Sam’s eyes clouded over with embarrassment as she lowered her face, the hint of tears returning. Jack swiftly got up from the bed.
“Jack, I’m sorry…” her voice trailed off as he reached her. He pulled her into a tight embrace.
“Sam, baby, don’t! You have no reason to apologize! I’m sorry. I should have realized it. I understand! Really I do! Look, we have feelings for each other that we have denied for a very long time. After what we’ve been through, it’s only natural to want to act on them.”
“You’re able to control it!” she said accusingly into his chest. “I should be able to!”
“Sam,” he lifted her face to look in her eyes, “I may be able to control it but not as well as you think. I just don’t want to start something while we are both in this emotional turmoil. I don’t want you to have any regrets if, or when, we decide to…” It was his turn for his voice to trail off. The look of love and gratitude in her eyes mesmerized him.
Sam didn’t think she could ever love him more than right now. He did understand. She nodded as a soft smile crossed her lips.
“Look, if I promise I won’t let you take advantage of me will you agree to sleep in the dry bed with me?” he said softly, a smile playing across his lips. She laughed lightly as she nodded. He pressed his lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss. “Great, now, Major, we get some sleep.” He reached for her hand and led her to the bed. Jack held the covers up for her to slide under and tucked her in like a child. He moved around to his side a crawled in. He was exhausted. The long drive, long day, and emotional night had drained him. He let out a long sigh as he settled in on his side facing Sam. She reached over to turn off the bedside lamp. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light coming through the curtains, he saw her watching him.
“Jack?”
“Yes?”
“Please hold me.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He pulled her over close to him; her back snuggled into his front. She rested her neck on his upper arm, his forearm wrapped around her upper chest, and his hand gently rested on her shoulder. His other arm draped across her waist. She twined her fingers into his as she drifted off to sleep, safe in the cocoon of his arms.
----------
Sam woke slowly, savoring the warmth that enveloped her. She was still spooned up against Jack. His hand had moved from her shoulder and gently twirled a lock of her hair. His top leg had moved over both of hers so that his body surrounded her. She didn’t know what time it was, the clock faced away from her, but the light shining through the windows indicated that it was early morning.
“Good morning,” she said softly.
Jack kissed the back of her head, “Good morning to you too,” he whispered near her ear. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah, wonderful, no more dreams!” she sighed.
His hand began moving through her hair, caressing her scalp with his fingers. “It’s still early; you can sleep some more if you want to.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s a little before seven,” he replied.
Sam stretched her lithe body, disturbing the leg that draped over hers. She yawned loudly as she rolled over to face him. “No, I guess we should get started,” she said with a small groan. “If you give me a choice, I might just stay here all day! It is a very comfortable place to be!”
Jack laughed as he leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose. “Okay, then, let’s move out!”
Jack watched Sam as she got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. She seemed fine, like her nightmare never happened but he knew all too well how deceiving that could be. After his capture by Ba’al, he had nightmares every night for a month and no one was the wiser. Daylight and routine made it possible to deny the things that went bump in the night.
Jack crawled out of the bed and pulled his clothes out of his duffle. He heard the water still running in the sink so he figured he had time to change clothes before Sam came back out. He pulled off his t-shirt and then dropped the shorts he slept in on the bed. He had one leg in his boxers when he heard the bathroom door open.
“Jack, what do you…?” Sam’s voice stopped in mid-sentence as she admired the view of his naked butt.
“Sam!” he yelled over his shoulder.
“Oops.” He heard the door close abruptly. Jack wasn’t sure if the sound of laughter coming from the bathroom was a good thing or a bad thing. Well, at least she was laughing. He finished dressing quickly and went out to put his duffle in the car. Sam was still in the bathroom when he returned to the room.
“Sam,” he said through the door. “The truck keys are on the bed, I’m going to walk up to the office and check us out. Bring the truck around when you get ready.”
“Okay,” she said. The sound of amusement was still in her voice.
‘Humph,’ he thought as he walked toward the office. ‘I never had anyone think my ass was that amusing.’ What had set her off in a fit of giggles? ‘Women, can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.’
Sam peeked out of the bathroom to see if Jack was gone. She sat down on the bed and started laughing again. He sounded so embarrassed when he yelled her name. She wished she hadn’t said anything when she walked out earlier. She knew he had a nice ass, but she had always admired it through clothes. She wouldn’t have minded a little more time to peruse his bare ‘assets’. ‘Maybe later,’ she thought, ‘maybe once we’re at the cabin.’ Sam shook her head and tried to get the sight and the thought out of her head. ‘This is going to be an uncomfortable six hour drive!’
Jack waited in front of the office as Sam pulled his truck around from their room. Still irritated by her earlier reaction, he watched as she scooted over to the passenger seat to allow him to drive. None of the amusement that had been in her voice showed in her face. ‘Good thing,’ he thought grumpily.
Jack guided the big truck carefully onto I-80. Soon they were moving at top speed headed for his cabin. Thoughts of revenge kept his brain active and his voice silent. Sam sat silently watching the scenery go by. “Sam, let me know when you are hungry. We can stop anytime you want.”
“I could go for some coffee in a little while. I am still not completely awake yet. I don’t think I’ve slept that good in, well, in a long time.” She was still gazing out of the passenger window so Jack couldn’t see her face when he glanced over at her.
“Me either,” he admitted. Sam turned to smile at him. This was one of those ‘outshine the sun’ smiles. Jack had to pull his eyes away to watch the road. He slid one hand over to touch her arm. “Me either, Sam,” he said softly. She curled her hand around his fingers, letting their entwined hands fall to her thigh and continued to watch the scenery go by.
They had been on the road for two hours before Sam insisted on her coffee. The signs indicated that they were almost to
“There’s a truck stop over there. They always have the best coffee.” Sam pointed to the right and Jack headed the truck in that direction. Sam hopped out as soon as the truck stopped moving. “Ladies room!” she explained as she headed toward the restrooms.
“You want something besides coffee?” he asked as she took off.
“Nope, coffee’s fine.”
Jack entered the truck stop. It was a large complex. There were rest areas that would allow truckers a place to make phone calls and relax as well as the dining area. There were even shower facilities. A long glassed in hallway across the front led off to each of the separate areas. Jack wandered into the dining facility and placed an order for two coffees. He walked back out with the two coffees and waited for Sam in the hallway. She sure knew how to confuse him. In the last 24 hours, she managed to display so many different emotions that he had lost count!
Jack felt arms slide around his waist from behind. “Penny,” Sam whispered as she rested the side of her face on his back.
“Penny?”
“For your thoughts,” she laughed as she released him. Jack turned around to look at her. Another side to his complex Sam, tenderness, showed in her eyes. He wanted to hug her back but his hands, with cups of hot coffee in them, were full. He just smiled at her, his soft brown eyes reflecting her emotions back at her.
“As always, I was thinking of you,” he said softly.
“Such a tease,” she laughed as she wrapped her arms around him again, this time she snuggled her face into his chest, her hair tickled his throat. He awkwardly moved his arms around her, as he still juggled coffee cups.
“Uh, I could do this hug thing better without the coffee. They’re an accident waiting to happen.”
Sam released him and took one of the cups. One arm now free, Jack pulled her close to his side. Sam put her free arm around his waist and they headed back to his truck. The tension that Jack felt this morning had evaporated.
----------
Four hours later Jack’s truck pulled up in front of his cabin. They had made a quick stop at a grocery store in town for supplies. They decided to wait to eat until they had gotten to the cabin. Sam stepped out of the truck into the peaceful setting of a lake framed by woods and a rustic looking cabin. The early autumn colors had peaked but there was plenty of color left. The temperature was typical for
It was an old-fashioned log cabin. The caulking was white against age-darkened wood. A lighter wood, intricately carved, framed the door and windows. She wondered if he did it himself. The front porch extended the full front of the cabin. It had no railings. There were several chairs made of natural wood that lined the porch. It didn’t seem that big, but Jack had usually come up here alone so it wouldn’t make much difference.
Sam hadn’t given any thought to sleeping arrangements when she suggested this little trip. Now it worried her. After last night, she knew that the only sleeping arrangement that would give her peace was in Jack’s arms. However, that could lead to arrangements that were even more intimate and she didn’t know if that would be wise just yet. ‘Just yet,’ she thought. ‘When did I start thinking of ‘when’ instead of ‘if’?’
Jack walked up behind her quietly. His arms snaked around her waist as he pulled her close to him. “Well, whatta ya think?” he whispered close to her ear.
Sam twined her fingers through his as he held her and leaned her head back against his chest. “I think it’s perfect,” she sighed.
Sam released his hands and turned within the radius of his arms, her shirt twisted slightly as she moved. She smiled softly at him. “I think it’s absolutely perfect. I wish I had taken you up on your earlier offers.” She had a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she stood on her toes and lightly kissed his lips. “Come on, show me around.”
Jack pulled her tight for a moment and buried his face in her neck. Sam wrapped her arms around his waist and stood there quietly, getting drunk on the feel of him. He was a heady wine. Jack gently kissed her neck and then removed his arms only to catch her hand with his. He pulled her impatiently toward the cabin. Sam smiled; he was like a little boy as he showed a cool toy to a friend.
Jack showed her around his cabin obviously pleased by her reaction. It was simple but had most of the modern conveniences. There was no phone, but there was electricity and hot and cold running water. The first floor was one large room. There were distinct separate areas, kitchen on one side and living area on the other. The only bathroom was off the living area. The kitchen consisted of the typical appliances and a small table in one corner with three chairs around it. The living area faced a large open fireplace. There was an old comfortable couch about ten feet in front of the fireplace. A futon, which made into another bed, was perpendicular to the couch. Of course, there was a recliner; it was opposite the futon. Several small tables were set convenient to each. The area directly in front of the fireplace was open.
A loft half the size of the downstairs was the bedroom. An angled ladder was the only access to the loft. The bed was large, made of natural wood. It was a very masculine bed. Sam barely managed to control the shiver that ran down her spine. Her thoughts were going to get her into trouble.
“You can sleep up here, I’ll take the couch,” Jack offered. “It’s much more comfortable and it’s also warmer, since warm air rises.”
Sam shook her head. “I, uh, I.” She stumbled for words. Jack just let her get her thoughts together. “Let’s talk about it later,” she finally said. “Let’s grab some sandwiches and then you can show me the infamous lake of no fish!” Her previously confused look turned into one of her glorious smiles.
“Okay, Sam, whatever you want,” he said and he meant it.
----------
Jack and Sam spent the afternoon outside. He showed her all the special places that gave him joy. The sun was almost set when they finally returned to the cabin. Jack felt deliciously tired as opposed to the bone tired he usually felt after off world missions. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in ages. Jack knew that it would be a brief experience. They were here because of Major Williams’ ‘assignment’. They needed to start on it tomorrow. However, for now he planned to enjoy his evening with Sam.
Sam relished the weight of Jack’s arm across her shoulders. She had her arm draped around his waist as they approached the cabin. It had been a good day. Tomorrow they would have to start what they came here to do, but tonight Sam was able to forget. She could forget their ranks, their reason for being here and most of all forget their time on P3X-882. Sam leaned closer to Jack, resting her head on him as they walked up the porch. “Let’s sit out here for a minute,” she said softly.
Jack just nodded as he led her over to a wooden bench big enough for the two of them. He did not intend to let her go just yet. As they sat down, Sam curled her legs up under her and leaned into Jack’s chest. He reached around with his free arm and pulled her tightly to him, his face nuzzling her hair. “Are you hungry yet, Sam?”
“No, not really, I guess I should be. It’s been a while since those sandwiches.” She snuggled a little closer to Jack. His close proximity was enough to send a sensuous tingle down her spine. ‘Carter, you know this was an extremely bad idea?’ she thought. ‘Oh, yeah,’ she answered herself, ‘but who cares.’ Sam inhaled deeply. She loved his fragrance. He smelled above all things, masculine; a musky scent that could only be Jack O’Neill. The smell of the pine-scented soap he used last night faded into the background. Sam pressed her face into his throat breathing him in.
Jack closed his eyes as he felt her breath on his throat. His arms involuntarily clenched her tighter. She felt so good. He still couldn’t believe that they were here, that she was here, at his cabin, just the two of them. He was afraid he would wake up and she would be gone, a wisp of memory from a dream. Jack’s eyes flew open as her lips gently kissed at his throat; her tongue lightly tasted him. He drew a ragged breath, tried to collect his thoughts. “Sam,” his voice was shaky as she continued her exploration of his throat. “This is not why we’re here.” Her hands slid up to his shoulders as she moved past his throat, her tongue moved along the point where his shoulder met his neck. “Sam, I thought we agreed that now is not the time to start anything.”
Sam raised her face to his. “I don’t care anymore, Jack.” She pulled herself up to her knees, slipped one leg over him, and straddled him, her knees framing his thighs. “I really don’t care about anything anymore, except right here, right now, and you.” While she spoke, her hands moved up his shoulders and to the back of his neck. Her mouth slid over his lips barely caressing them.
Jack couldn’t say a word. He now knew what a deer in the headlights felt like. Sam was there, in front of him, in his lap, she wanted him! His body reacted the only way it knew how but he told her last night that he would keep her from doing anything that she wasn’t ready to do. Now, he was definitely confused and it wasn’t an act. Jack closed his eyes and exhaled. He found that he didn’t know what to do with his hands. He just sat there like an idiot with his hands in the air. “Sam, last night you said…” He couldn’t finish his sentence because her tongue got in the way.
Jack fought for breath. ‘Breathe, Jack, breathe...’ Sam was exploring his mouth gently. It was as if for Jack the world had stopped. He knew what he wanted to do; he was fighting with his conscience about what he should do.
“Jack, please,” Sam whispered. She sounded so tormented. “Please, let me love you.”
Jack groaned as his arms finally did what they wanted. Sam exhaled in relief as he pulled her tight in his embrace and buried his face in her neck. “Oh, Sam! Are you sure?” She could hear the anguish in his voice. “Please don’t do anything that you will regret!”
Sam pulled his head up to peer into his eyes; her hands gently cupped his face. There was little sunlight left but she could see the doubts that plagued him. She could also see the desire. “Jack, the only thing that I regret is not giving into this sooner but if you have reservations about it, I won’t insist.” He saw the love and concern in her eyes. He nodded slightly as she watched a myriad of emotions cross his face. Love, concern, desire, sorrow, regret, they all flashed quickly and returned to love and desire.
Jack leaned forward slightly, his mouth caught her lower lip in the same place she had bit it last night. He gently sucked on her lip before he allowed his tongue to taste her. Sam moaned softly as his tongue ran lightly across her lips. Her hands moved from his face to tangle in his hair. Her lips parted slightly and allowed his tongue to gain entrance. Jack searched her mouth with his tongue, discovered hers. Their mouths opened wider, their tongues exchanged blows as they battled for dominance. Jack’s arms released their tight grasp on Sam. His hands wandered up and down her back, restless as if they weren’t sure of what to do next.
Sam pulled herself forward to close the remaining distance between their bodies. Her groin encountered the hard edge of his erection. She pushed herself against him, trying to get as close as she could. They moaned as one. Sam couldn’t breathe. She was too close to a fire, the air too hot. She pulled away from his mouth and let her head fall back, gasping for air. Jack greedily attacked her now vulnerable throat; he tasted and kissed every inch of exposed skin. His restless hands found purpose as they sought out the hem of her shirt. He wanted more. Sam was air and he was suffocating. Roughly, he pulled her shirt over her head and off her arms.
Jack attacked her throat again with his lips. He breathed deeply and he filled his lungs with her scent. His impatient hands trailed around from her back to the soft skin of her stomach, made their way to her satin covered breasts. Sam cried out as his hands caressed her breasts, his face buried in her cleavage. At last, oxygen, he could breathe again. His mouth fed hungrily on her soft skin, his thumbs increasing the pressure on her hardened nipples.
Sam rocked her hips against his hard erection and cried out as she made contact with him. Sam continued to move her hips back and forward. She tried to maintain a rhythm in spite of her passion. Jack pulled her bra down below her breasts and fastened his mouth on one of her nipples. His tongue teased her captured flesh as he suckled it desperately. He kneaded her other breast as he feasted. The more Sam’s breath became irregular, the more her movements became erratic. Jack slipped his hands behind Sam, pulled at her hips, and steadied her movements. Sam surrendered to him.
Jack’s hungry mouth moved from one breast to the other, intent on her pleasure. Sam’s moans turned into impassioned cries as she felt her body explode with ecstasy. She ground her pelvis hard against him as waves crashed around her. Both of his hands moved to support her as she fell back, tears streamed down her face. His hunger turned to gentleness as he pulled her forward against his chest. He held her as her body continued to ripple with pleasure.
Sam buried her face in his neck; bit his hard shoulder muscle gently through his shirt, as she strove for control of her breath. Jack gently kissed her ear. She heard his voice as it whispered something. She strained to hear him above the rapid beat of her heart. “I love you so much, Sam. I always have.”
“Oh, Jack,” her voiced quivered. “I love you.” Her tears flowed onto his shoulder. The way he made her feel helped to ease the pain of her memories. The relief she felt at his touch overpowered her emotions.
“Sam, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Why are you crying?” Jack sounded so confused, upset.
“No, no, nothing’s wrong. It’s finally right.” Sam pulled away from his shoulder. It was now too dark to see his face. Her fingers traced a trail from his shoulder to his neck and up to his face. They wandered gently, touched his eyes then ran down the bridge of his nose. Finally, they found his lips. Sam’s mouth replaced her fingers. She gently kissed him. Her heart felt so full Sam thought it was going to burst. The cool nip of the night air finally penetrated Sam’s half-naked body. “Let’s go inside,” she whispered.
Jack pulled her into a crushing embrace. Sam could feel his erection pushing against her. As wonderful as this evening had been so far, she wanted it all. She wanted to explore him completely. And she wanted to feel that glorious hardness inside of her. “Please, Jack, I need you.”
She stood quickly as Jack released her from his embrace. She grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the bench. He held her close to his side as they moved inside the cabin and up the ladder to his bed. Soft lighting shone from the lower floor. Jack watched as Sam unhooked her bra and tossed it to the floor. He was fascinated to watch the play of shadows across her breasts as she walked toward him. She had her jeans undone before she reached him. Jack was frozen, unable to move, as he watched her slowly remove her jeans and panties in one erotic motion.
His eyes drank in every detail of her body, the tilt of her breasts, her narrow waist above the flare of her hips, the patch of hair on her mound that disappeared between her succulent thighs, her long gorgeous legs. He also noticed that she had her share of scars. He wanted to kiss every one of those. His eyes swept back up her body to her face, to her sensuous smile. She was so beautiful, so loving; he still couldn’t believe that she wanted an old warhorse like him. He hoped she wanted him forever. He didn’t think he could survive it if she changed her mind after tonight.
Jack had wanted her for so long, had loved her for so long, but he kept it pushed into a protected place in the back of his mind. He had many of those places, each contained dark or hurtful places in his life and the emotions associated with them. He kept strong barriers on those emotions. The barrier was gone on this one. He knew he wouldn’t be able to rebuild it.
Sam saw his hesitation. She slowly reached for him, holding her hand out to him. His hands shook when he reached for her. He pulled her close to him as he fought the tears that threatened to erupt. Jack thought about what his life would have been like if he had succeeded in killing her. He barely held back the tears. It was her turn to comfort him. She held him, rubbed his back with her hands, as she sought out his mouth. Sam reached for the hem of his shirt, moved her hands under it to feel his hot skin. Jack moaned as she roamed up and down his back. He lifted his arms as she pulled the shirt up and over his head.
It was Sam’s turn to torment his nipples. He gasped as she sucked and licked her way from his throat to his chest. Her mouth was hot and wet. Sam let her hands roam while her mouth stayed occupied. She found his belt and quickly undid it. Jack’s hands tightened on her shoulders as he felt the button and zipper on his jeans release. Sam mouth moved lower as her hands moved his clothing down. Finally, as his clothing reached his ankles, her mouth reached his hard erection. Jack gasped as she ran her tongue around the head of his shaft. Her hands ran lightly back up his legs until she reached his testicles. Cupping them gently, she slowly worked her mouth around him, her restless tongue driving him almost to the brink.
“Oh, Sam,” he groaned. “Stop! Please! I can’t take much more of that! Not yet!”
As much as it would have pleased her to bring him such pleasure, she wanted him inside her when he climaxed. She gently withdrew him from her mouth. Jack pulled her up to hold her tightly. She ignored the tears in his eyes. She simply pushed him down onto the bed and removed his shoes and socks then pulled the rest of his clothes off his legs.
She crawled up on the bed beside him and rubbed her hand on his chest. Sam could see him fight for control of his body. He wanted this night to last as long as possible. She did too. Tomorrow they had to start their ‘therapy’ and it wouldn’t be easy. They needed tonight. She needed tonight to bolster herself against the coming storm.
Jack looked over at Sam. He could see understanding in her eyes. And love, love for him showed clearly. He reached over and pulled her close. He softly kissed her mouth, cupped her face with his hand. Jack ran his hand down her throat to her chest and then to her breast. She moaned as he gently kneaded it, softly twisting her nipple between his thumb and finger. His mouth kept hers occupied as his hand continued its journey down her body. Jack reached her core; he could feel the wetness that seeped thro